It's been really weird as I think about what I have relived over the past few days as I wrote about my experience. It was easy at points. Some points were difficult as I thought back to how hard it was getting through the first surgery and recovery. And as this surgery looms closer and closer, all those old feelings are beginning to boil back to the surface.
There were points during the recovery from the buckle surgery where I was so upset and worried that fears of what else could be wrong with me started to cloud the little area of my mind that had been left alone. I began to get anxious (as you know) about every little flash or floater, but I was also becoming anxious about my health in general.
Now I know what you're thinking.
"This girl is nuts."
Trust me, I think the same thing. But as I'm preparing for this next surgery and recovery, these horrible, anxious thoughts are swarming back in.
Ryan and I went to P.F. Chang's tonight for dinner. We hadn't been out to dinner in a long time. It was a very nice date night. Cocktails, dinner, dessert. I'd been looking forward to it. We decided we'd have a date night the Saturday before my surgery. At the time when we planned this, the night seemed so far away.
It's scaring me that the night has now come and gone.
That means I'm one day closer.
Honestly, with the love and support that has come from writing this blog and putting out there what I'm going through, I thought I'd be able to manage all of the worry that I was scared would come along with getting closer to the vitrectomy.
I was wrong. Proved wrong again, like so many times during this process.
I'm having an even harder time making this humorous, much less trying to barricade the worry in a back corner in my mind. The humor, it's not coming to me.
The fortunes we opened at the restaurant were very fitting. Tonight was a night for us to just be happy and escape in ourselves. Enjoy time that we haven't had for over two months now. And the other is true as well. These problems will soon be buried in the sand of time. But the process of burying them still takes time and still has to be done.
This is my road block, and what I feared inevitably would happen. I have now had far more time to prepare for this surgery than the last, which has proved to be that unfortunate double edged sword that no one seems to care for. There's more time to make sure everything I need is ready, but there's more time for me to worry.
Worry is such an annoying feeling. Why it exists is beyond me. I suppose it exists to show you and those close to you that you care. Generally you worry about your loved ones and friends. Not always to a crazy degree, but if you're worried about their well-being or safety, so on and so forth, you obviously care. But aside from that, what purpose does worrying serve? It only leaves the worriers in a state of pure entrapment- in their own mind.
Now my own mind has been a source of issue this entire time. It had been the culprit of many tears, frustrations, anxieties and demons. There's a very small, I'd go as far as to say nearly microscopic, part of me that is excited to have the surgery so that I can have this problem resolved. But the other 99.99% of me is ready to pull my hair out and lock myself in a closet and never come out.
I know that sounds dramatic but its true. Some people have no time at all to prepare for a surgery like this given the nature of retinal detachment issues. I don't know if I'm in the lucky group that has time, or the unlucky group that has time.
I keep thinking of all the encouraging love and support that everyone is showing. It upsets me to think that I'm letting anyone down though. That by being so scared, I'm not living up to this illusion of an individual who can handle the truth.
"You can't handle the truth!"
The truth. The truth is I can handle it. But I don't want to. I want to keep pushing this back, and just have time suspend itself indefinitely. Freeze everything at this moment so that I can relive what washes away anxiety and fear instead of what worsens it by the second.
This is about as honest as it gets. There is no sugar coating. I'm not sure how real the next two weeks will become, but I know that the truth of reality is sinking in. That three days from now I will embark on something that I have no prior experience to compare to. That every tear, worry, struggle and frustration will exist whether I want it to or not.
The truth shall set you free.
In three days I will know. Maybe once I know I'll feel more free from the worry of the unknown. Isn't that what most people are scared of anyway? The unknown? It's what drives some to learn more, to go farther, but its what stops some dead in their tracks. Sometimes you have a choice of pushing through the uncomfortable and scary. Sometimes you don't. And in times of forceful change or fear, you learn what you're truly capable of.
I have the utmost faith and confidence in my doctor and his staff. What a true saving grace that is to have. I know Dr. Grodin will not stop until my problem has met it's fix. It's the getting to the fix that's hard. Not impossible, just hard. "Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances." - C.S. Lewis.
With any luck, I'll have a Super Bowl to look forward to- one that includes a team wearing purple and black!
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