Days 43 - 48: Surgical Preparation.
I had my folder. My folder with my marching orders.
To do list:
- Go get another pre-surgical exam and bloodwork
- Order recovery equipment
- Prepare the apartment
- Try to not worry
The last one was my biggest hurdle.
Throughout this entire experience, Ryan has kept this unfaltering sense of humor and positivity that I just couldn't match. No matter how pessimistic and upset I got, he was always walking around with glass half full of freakin' sunshine. This was, at times, a source of my frustration, because I didn't understand why and how he could be so positive when I so clearly was having so much trouble. One wouldn't think your eye could debilitate you so much, but here we are! I cannot thank him enough for having that attitude though. It's been a huge catalyst in getting me to where I am now: accepting my situation. I'm forever grateful to that.
I think I need to throw out some thank-you's real quick:
Ryan- for everything he's done. Every appointment he's gone to with me, every dinner he cooked, the positive attitude.
Mom and Dad- All of the rides they gave me before I was driving again and all of the support they've given.
All family and friends- The support and encouragement since I decided to broadcast this has been so amazing- THANK YOU ALL. And to everyone prior to broadcasting this who has been just as encouraging and supportive, THANK YOU!
Dr. Grodin and staff- There is an overwhelming sense of calm that I had knowing they would be taking care of me. I am eternally grateful for that dedication to helping others, specifically me.
Naturally, I forgot a few questions, so the day of my appointment on the 10th and then continuing into the 11th, I was emailing Charlie. I asked him if he or anyone there knew of any resources I could go to for this whole experience. That talking to people who don't have this is different than someone who does. I had exhausted all of the forums or boards I found, and the couple blogs I came across were sparse or shut off. I was beginning to throw around the idea of documenting my 2 week recovery, maybe the whole experience, but Charlie pushed that further said maybe it was a calling of sorts. That maybe going through this, I was meant to create something to share with other patients with RD. To show them that all of the wild emotions and fears aren't wrong or stupid. That it's scary when you are presented in a situation where your vision could be compromised. Yes, thinking, "Oh my gosh, I can't imagine if I was told I'd lose my vision" is scary, but it's just that- you can only IMAGINE it. I could only imagine it prior to this. It wasn't until it actually happened that it was truly terrifying. It's just like any illness or disease. The thought of going through it is of course scary! Why wouldn't it be? But until it is YOU in the chair receiving the news, you have no idea.
On January 14th, I began to try to plan this. What I would do. How I would do it.
Details? I could share them.
Emotions? I should share them.
Everything. I would just include everything. People know how to skim. If you don't want to read a paragraph, don't. But for those who do, it's here. I wish I had something like this to go to during my journey through this. Just to know that there are other people out there like me, having these thoughts, would have been so comforting.
Empathy. I would receive it. And it was nice. But it wasn't the same as having someone say, "I KNOW what you are going through." So to any RD patients- I do know. And you can contact me anytime. I'll answer any questions or just listen.
I was able to enjoy things more now, joke around. Ryan jokingly calls my surgery a vasectomy. I sure hope the O.R. doesn't make that mistake...
My eyes are almost even again. They're so close!
This is probably the other hard part. Eliminating the worry during the time leading up to this next surgery is number one. Number two is definitely seeing such a visible improvement, and knowing that in one week, my eye will be stretched back open and have needles and instruments poking it. I finally look in the mirror and see this:
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| Almost normal! Hardly any redness except under my eyelids (so you can't see it anyway!) |
If I hadn't needed the second surgery though, I probably wouldn't be making this. So there's your silver lining.
So I'm going to have a chair I have to sit in. And a "sleep system" that will have a hole for my face. And a travel block. I know you're all jealous of that. My neck doesn't have to hold up my heavy head (its all of the brains in there. Hmmm. that sounded better before I wrote it down, no one will believe that comment...).
This will be what I will deal with for TWO WEEKS.
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| Fancy! |
One of my last fears was eliminated yesterday. Back in November when I had my bloodwork done, my white blood cells were slightly elevated. I wasn't sick, nothing was wrong, I thought. You try going through my day of diagnosis and then sitting in another doctor's office at 7 pm and then told your WBC are elevated. I'm sure you all know what happened next- I cried. I scared that doctor. He did not know what to do with me, sitting there sobbing over something he did not see people sob over. He wasn't super concerned about the level of 14, but to me, that was more of my world crumbling around me. What else could be wrong??!
I was supposed to have it rechecked. I didn't. I got sick, I couldn't drive myself. Then I was probably going to need another surgery and would need to get clearance again anyway so I pushed it off.
Well yesterday I sat nervously in the exam room again. Waiting for my bloodwork results. She had to poke my arm twice. Blew both veins. My arm is swollen and bruised today.
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| This hurts... |
"Your WBC count looks good, you're in normal range now. It's at 9.2 but that's consistent with you just having been sick."
FINALLY! I caught my break! The one I had been waiting so many weeks for. It happened.
So here I am. All caught up. I'm spending the next week getting ready for this and enjoying my time. VERTICAL.
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