When everything felt like it was just
unraveling, and I couldn't do anything more, this blog came about. This is what
I am doing it for. For anyone who wants to read it and feel something.
Anything.
Do it- feel something. Feel whatever
you want to. Good. Bad. Just feel something. Living life in a state of
neutrality is not worthwhile. When you can honestly think to yourself and feel
your mind, you can see. The eyes are useless to a mind that is blind.
Today I have the luxury of feeling
fear, nerves, and anxiety in bits and pieces. The typical fears during this journey. But it's one
more day. One more day to feel the cold (and damn is it cold today) bite of
winter. And each day is precious.
Eight PM tonight, I can't have
anything else to eat or drink. Everything is in order. The apartment is ready. My equipment is ready. Now
I just have to convince myself I'm ready. This has been a huge build-up of
anticipation. More-so worried anticipation but anticipation none-the-less. My mom and I made me a home-made snuggie from an old blanket I had in college. Except mine is so much better. Mine has pockets! I'm actually not sure if snuggies have pockets but this one is better regardless.
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| HOME-MADE SNUGGIE!! |
I'm going to try something to help
keep some of the negative or fearful thoughts away. I will try to post
something each day. And in each post will be one comment at the end.
"Every cloud has its silver lining." This sentence at the end of each post will be my daily
silver lining. Maybe by forcing myself to find a positive point of each day, it will help to keep my frustration level (and therefore blood pressure) down.
Silver lining, day before surgery:
With the coldest days of winter happening today and tomorrow (well, so far, and
only according to the accuracy of our weather forecasters, and come on, they've
been sleeping on the job recently, the forecasts haven't exactly been on
target) I have an awesome excuse to not have to do anything except sit and watch TV!
Tasha,
ReplyDeleteMom D. and I have been reading your blog with great admiration. Through it, you will likely touch others in ways you might never be aware. You offered a thought on faith from C.S. Lewis. I would offer a more Authoritative word on faith from Hebrews 11 Verse 1 – “What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead”. You have been and will continue to be in our prayers. And you will be healed. Love, Mom & Dad D.
That is what I hoped for! If it helps even one person, I'll feel it to be a success. I love the verse you mentioned. Very true and meaningful in this situation. Thank you for all the love and prayers :) looking forward to seeing you two soon! Love, Tasha
DeleteI just had a retinal detachment 2 1/2 weeks ago and got a schleral buckle. I also have the lattice problem in both eyes. Tomorrow, I find out if I have to have a follow up vitrectomy. I'm missing some vision in my far upper right corner of my left eye and seeing something that looks like a fan moving in that area. I am sitting here reading every post in your blog intermittently crying, because I am so happy to see someone who understands and who felt "crazy" like I have. I even wonder if the body goes into a natural state of depression. or anxiety (fight or flight) when it experiences vision loss. It is hard to tell your body "we are trying to fix this thing" when it perceives worse vision in the short term after treatment/eye doctor visits. I am not a person who struggles with mental illness and most people perceive me as so strong, but this has rocked me to the core. So this is my current reasoning as to why I'm feeling this way. I have looked so hard for support or for anyone who has gone through this. Your blog is helping me so much and I haven't found anything like it. I had to get an unexpected laser treatment on my buckled eye last week when my doctor saw some fluid near part of my buckle where the tear was. It hurt just like you described. I feel like I am also terrified for each doctors visit, that something new will be wrong. They will do the full laser treatment on my other eye in a few months after they finish with my left eye (the one that detached). I am still reading through your vitrectomy posts, so if they do tell me I have to have it, I will atleast know what to expect. I do have a tip to share. Eyemart (and perhaps other retailers?) allow you to get free replacement lenses if your optometrist writes a new perscription within 90 days. I found huge psychological relief when I got my first set of new glasses one week post op. Please note, they did not give me dilating drops to use after surgery except at my doctors visits (only prednisone and antibiotic drops). Having the corrected 20/50 vision with glasses somehow made my sad mood lift considerably even though my vision could only be correctted so much with -10.00 lenses at that point (formerly was 20/25 with -3.50). I'm going to get updated lenses this week, unless I have to go for the vitrectomy. Anyway, I just want you to know that you are helping me, when I've had trouble finding support like this anywhere else. One other note, unlike you, I woke up from surgery in staggering pain from the buckle. I used full dose hydrocodone for the first weekend (even though I hate narcotics) and then moved to Tylenol and Advil. I have the same weird pains, floaters, and various paranoia inducing vision weirdness all of the time that you mentioned. Thank you again and you pain did serve atleast a little purpose in helping me.
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